LoveToKnow Dying:AllComments

From LoveToKnow Dying

Comments

I am very sorry you have to deal with your father's impending death. Spend time with him and make sure you tell him how much you love and are going to miss him. Cherish this time together.

-- Contributed by: MaryBethAdomaitis

My father told me he has 7 months to live and I cry everyday, I cannot focus on my work, I hardly eat and sleep. I am very scared because I am is only child. Please understand I have gone to man churches to try to find an answer to my situation but there is nobody who can give me staight answer.

-- Contributed by: Ronald

We are not a support group nor do we provide medical support. I can refer you to online resources such as GriefNet or LoveToKnow has a grief forum in which you can express your thoughts and feelings.

-- Contributed by: MaryBethAdomaitis

My dad died when he was 54 over ten years ago. However, my mother died about 2 weeks ago, she has been ill the last 8 months so we kind of expected it. A few days after her funeral, I began having panic attacks...is this normal? I have never had a panic attack before this, and I do feel relieved that my mother is no longer in pain, yet, I am unnerved by these panic attacks. My depression has been going away with each day, in other words, I am feeling calmer, yet I seem to have no control over experiencing these panic attacks. I don't know how to make them stop from repeating. Can you help?

-- Contributed by: Renee

adopted and i did know my real mom and my real dad last year i lost my mom and then this year i just lost my dad they both died of aids... its very hard to know that they wont be with you anymore and i dont know how to deal with it.... it sucks so much and i feal depressed

-- Contributed by: petrice cook

My Mom died 3/18/09. My Dad has been calling my Mom's niece daily and has went to lunch and dinner with her. My Dad lives 2 hours away and my Mom and her niece had a falling out years ago and had not been in any contact since then. I am very upset with what my Dad is doing, I feel he has betrayed my Mom by spending time with her niece, knowing my Mom would not approve. My older brother is fine with it, even if it is platonic. Am I wrong for my feelings?

-- Contributed by: Sissy

Rosita, I am very sorry for your loss. Lean on your significant other for support. There are many support groups available, both online and in person. If need be, contact your physician who may be able to guide you as well.

-- Contributed by: MaryBethAdomaitis

I am glad I came across this site..I just lost my Mother this Novemeber...and I am going crazy..I am 43 years old and should be handling this better...I am an only child and my Father was murdered in 1995..and I thought that was difficult to deal with..and it still is, but nothing as just crushed me like this..I miss her so much and my desire to live is just not that great anymore, its as though I don't care what happens now...yet I know I must go on...I just cannot figure out why. I have no children, but I do have a loving relationship...still I feel like the lady who says that she feels as though she is the lost child in a department store...I am gonna continue to look for help.

-- Contributed by: Rosita Criss

Antoinette, Elaine and Charlene, I am so very sorry for your losses. Losing your mother is very difficult. Please continue to talk about your feelings and if needed, seek some help with your grief. Again, I am very sorry.

-- Contributed by: MaryBethAdomaitis

I am 50 years old yet sometimes I feel like a small child lost in a department store without my mother. She passed away nearly three years ago of ovarian cancer. Presently, everything in my life seems so scattered. I am trying to press forward with life, I know I can, yet it becomes unbearable at times without my mother.

-- Contributed by: Antoinette

I am 37 years old, an only child and living in New Zealand. I moved here 6 years ago from Ireland. My parents were married in 1955. In Feb 06 my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in Feb 06 and she passed away in May 08. I was devastated. Then in October 08 my father passed away suddenly. And now I am just broken.

I no longer want to be in New Zealand, I no longer want to be in my long term relationship with my partner and I have these feelings of not wanting to live anymore. I am alone in this world and I can't seem to get this out of my head.

-- Contributed by: Elaine

I'm 21 years old and a Senior at penn state. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer last year with was also my first year away from home at college. My mom and I are really close and the entire time she was sick she stayed so strong, making jokes and keeping herself happy. She went to a hospice in June, we were told she was going to die at the end of June, which happened to by my 21st birthday. She was able to pull through and stayed at the hospice for a month before they thought she was well enough to go to a hospital to recover. She was only at the hospital a week before she went into a coma and was sent back to the hospice. The entire time I kept thinking, 'I'm not going to lose her. She can't die. She pulled through before, she can do it again.' We lost her on August 8th a week before I had to return to penn state for my senior year. I never got a chance to talk with her about what would happen if she died. She was my comfort, my reassure that life wasn't as awful as I thought, and my best friend. I promised my mom no matter what happened, I would finish school. Now I'm struggling with a 16 credit class load and trying to cope with the fact I'm never going to see her again and that I can't call her. I'm hurting and scared. I have no want to continue with school right now, but I can't let my family down. I feel like I'm just waiting for my heart to bleed out, that nothing is real. Everything has lost its color and beauty. People just act like I should get over it and move on, but right now I'm suffering through the end of the world. Therapists seem to have no idea what to do with me and I have no time to see them any way. Most books on death of a parent are for children or adults, none for in the middle. I just wish I could talk to her one more time. I wish she could have gone home instead of being stuck in a hospital for three months. Everyone says, "you'll feel her with you." I haven't felt her at all. Just feel completely abandoned.

-- Contributed by: Charlene

no-matter how old we are the death of a parent is earth shattering.I never fully appreciated how good and safe it made me feel just knowing that she was around.Her kind words , her encouragement were always there when I needed them. Now, all that is gone! Accept it as a part of life, don't carry guilt or what ifs but never be ashamed to cry and hopefully we all all find the strength to move on.

-- Contributed by: paul

I lost both my parents within a year of each other, and it took about a year before I started to feel better. To Heather, it is natural to feel angry and sad and no one should tell you not to cry, you have the right to grieve.

-- Contributed by: Jim

I am going on 19 in a month and I just recently lost my father. I lost him about 2 months back. Is it still hard, yes very. I am depressed and I am feeling as if I am moving in slow motion and everyone else is at speed flying right by me. I cry but I also bottle it all up and get extremely mad and angery. I don't want help. I would give my life to see my father again. Everyone says it will get better but it seems as if it just gets harder and harder as days go by. My life is reck and I am a reck. I try and get out but every where I go I see a daughter and a father together laughting like my father and I did. I get angery and sad and I leave. All I want to do is cry but everyone tells me to stop and it will be ok and to calm down and then I get mean and angery. I thought I would write this cause their are people out there that take a different way. Even if they are extremely close with their father like I was. I love my father and he was a amazing man. He will never be replaced in our hearts. I loved him dearly He was my life.

-- Contributed by: Heather

Dear Danielle,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your dad. I lost my dad in 2001 and it was really rough at first. But each day will get better. A good way to understand your feelings is through journaling. Try writing your private thoughts down and see where that takes you.

-- Contributed by: MaryBethAdomaitis

ever since my dad died it's as if i've been craving more attention from boys and men. my parents are devorced and have been since i was two years of age. i thought i could make it adjusting and making myself believe that i was in denial. i guess i was wrong because evryday seems like a new struggle for me.

-- Contributed by: danielle

My father passed away this past December, and my mother had passed away several years before (2001).

I was 20 when my mom passed, and am now 28.

For better or worse, I've learned from my father as an example of exactly how I do not want to live my life, and be remembered.

His constant anxiety about micro-managing his health, while ignoring bigger issues like the possibility of cancer (which was recommended to be looked into by several of his physicians, but he somehow managed to brush off ever addressing) did nothing but exacerbate his already compounded list of symptoms & illnesses.

He was a strict adherent to the most dogmatic aspects of Catholicism, and while my thorough upbringing imbued in me a genuine sense of faith in something higher than me, I honestly think he had a fatally flawed view of the nature of an Almighty God.

He believed in Order, frowned creativity and imagination. Would have loved to be a musician, but wasn't allowed to by his father, so he caved in and had a financially rewarding but soul-crushingly dull career as a civil engineer, stuck in a cubicle for some 40 years.

He never came to our ball games, art shows, performances (this I'm told later, he did come to one or two- but I don't remember him ever congradulating me on a performance. I had a starring role in a few, too. All he ever mentioned to me about my creative life was that he was jealous. What kind of fatherly advice is THAT??!!!)

Overall, what it adds up to is that I have very little to remember of my Dad. Even after spending years living with him, taking care of him.

I don't have this sense of loss. I quite honestly and bluntly have a sense of relief. I miss him, of course, but I don't miss the frustration of dealing with a man so overcome w/ fear of the irrational.

As an artist, I am channelling both my genuine grief, my easing frustration, and my unanswered questions into - what else? - a monumental ammount of artwork.

My father couldn't communicate the mysteries of faith, so he dogmatically followed the rulebook that was handed to him by an upwardly mobile, cultish organization (Opus Dei).

I honestly think he trusted this organization to raise his kids right, to fill that void that he was unable to address: the most basic questions of life itself. How can I deal w/ life's challenges? How do I form an identity? How does one cope w/ adversity?

Of course I wish my father were still alive. I just wish he would've set the example for us, & stood up for himself every now and then, instead of being so needy. I have plenty of grumpy old men in my life that I learn all sorts of life lessons from!

At any rate. The obvious pressing question remains: Should I be grieving more? Or did the genuine tears I shed at his funeral get a good amount out of my system?

My father shows up in my work - I do believe that I'm creating a tribute for him.

Unfortunately, I can't say I have much of an admirable portrait to paint of him. More an example of exactly what one should NOT do, if they want to live life to their fullest potential.

I apologize if this sounds brutally honest to some readers. But I've got nothing to hold me back. This is exactly as I see it.

-- Contributed by: Djo

My dad died when I was two and I can't remember him so sometimes it feels like people don't think I feel his loss. But one of the questions when someone dies is when do I go back to feeling normal. My question is how do you go back to feeling normal when you have no idea what feeling normal is like.

-- Contributed by: Hooke
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