When you die…

Have you ever thought about what you want to happen when you die?

It’s funny- I was just discussing this very subject with my family last night.  I know for sure that I want to be buried in my home town, but my husband wants to be buried somewhere else…and so, we have a conflict :-)  What do you do when you have a conflict like that in a marriage? I want to talk about it, but he definitely doesn’t want to deal with it :-)

Jacqueline, I have a similar conflict. My husband is from Egypt, and he wants to be buried there. I, of course, want to be buried here in Texas. It feels weird to think we’ll be buried separately—and that my children and I would be unable to visit his grave often if we were to outlive him—but I can understand his desire to return to his homeland. It’s such a delicate topic, and I have no suggestions for you.

I don’t really know what I want to have done with my body. I like to think that I have a lot of time to decide

It would be tough to figure out where to be buried if there are two different home towns, or countries, that are possibilities. It’s not like you can compromise and pick a place midway. Being buried apart is probably the only solution.

Hi Misty and Holly, I really don’t want to be buried apart from my husband- I mean to me, that’s just awful.  I mean, I want to be buried in NYC, he wants to be buried in Jersey, so it’s not really that far apart :-), but it’s the principle of the thing you know?

My husband is Albanian (even though he was born/raised in the same area as me), so I’m lucky that we don’t have a conflict with our religions, but this being buried in a separate place doesn’t really feel right…although, my grandparents were buried in different places.  How do you think/what should I say to get him to take it more seriously?

Misty, have you and your husband decided to just be buried separately?  And if yes, are you good with that?

My husband and I want to be buried in California, even though we are both from other states. I want to be buried w/ my daughter who passed or at least right next to her. I know that may sound weird, but ....

Hi Mary Beth, I don’t that’s strange at all- in fact, I think it’s fantastic that the both of you were able to agree on where you want to be buried.  Was that a compromise, or was that something you both wanted to do?

Jacqueline, we’ve talked about this a lot since my last post. Right now, my husband is saying that he wants to be buried wherever the kids and I are living. He always talks about one day moving back to Egypt. He says if we are living in Egypt when he passes, he wants to be buried there. If we’re still here, he wants to be buried here. Of course, he also said I should want to follow him and be buried wherever he is, but I can’t honestly say I would want to be buried in Egypt, even if I happened to die there. All of my family is here. It feels morbid to discuss this, but it is important… I’m just glad to hear he now wants to be wherever we are. It’s important to me that our kids, grandkids, etc. be able to visit the graves one day, hopefully in the way, far off future.

Its strange question, Anyway I just want buried out in my town when I die. When I told it about my family then they don’t give me any answer.

Hi Misty, I know how you feel; my husband also believes that I should want to be buried beside him, no matter where he happens to be :-) I tried to diplomatically tell him that that’s not really my wish, but then he gets all offended and huffy :-)

I’m so glad that he came around! That’s great news, but I’m sure that as soon as you mentioned the kids (and what I thought were pretty good points), he must have realized that he needs to be a bit more flexible in his opinion.  I’m so glad you kept at him :-)

This came up in my family recently. The wife of my cousin plans to be buried in her hometown where her parents are, which is several states away from where they live now. She has a family plot, but there isn’t space there for my cousin. So he doesn’t really know where he’ll go since his other family is spread out across the country and he doesn’t have any current connection to the town he grew up in.

Yes, that sounds like quite a dilemma.  It’s really funny, but once you start thinking about where you’d like to be buried (if you choose to be buried) comes up, a lot of other issues raise their heads as well.  Do they have any idea of what they want to do? Is the wife willing to be buried someplace else?

It doesn’t sound like the wife is willing to be buried someplace else so my cousin will probably just be buried alone somewhere else.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be buried in the town that I grew up in. I’d rather be buried where I am now or in a cemetary that is more central to my adult life.

Hi Holly, that’s an interesting way of looking at it. To be honest, I’d never thought of it in terms of that before, so it was helpful to me.  I guess, I haven’t been in Chicago long enough to really consider it “home” yet.  I think I still think of my hometown as home, but maybe I’ll feel differently in a few years.

I think too that a lot of folks want to be buried in their hometown if that’s where the majority of their family members’ are- I think that’s why I’d prefer to go back.  Then again, once you develop strong ties to another community, I could see the desire to be buried there.

I don’t have any family members back in the town where I grew up, but I did live for several years in a small town that I’m about to move back to. It’s quiet and peaceful and is full of my closest friends, so I feel a great connection to it. I haven’t been back to the town I grew up in for a few years and don’t feel connected to it anymore. But I could definitely understand if you had a place that felt more like home, especially if that’s where loved ones live who will want to visit your grave.

I’m glad that you have the opportunity to move back to a place you really like- that’s always nice, and at least you know it’s a place that’s already made you happy.

Deciding where to be buried is hard no matter how you slice it, I guess.  If it’s not the actual logistics, there’s the squabbling that sometimes creeps up when someone dies.  Having to think about death in such a concrete way is also difficult. It’s funny, but it seems as if there’s so much to do (in terms of the actual preparation for it).  And that’s not even counting all the mental preparation.

Does anyone here have their plot (if applicable) already picked out?  And if so, what was that whole process like?