Talking to Children About Death

What is the best way to discuss death with children, without frightening them? Any helpful tips would be appreciated. Should you talk to them about it before the situation arises, or is it best to wait until the child brings up the subject?

I think it’s best to be honest with your kids, and prepare them for the reality of life.  Of course, childhood should be a fun, protected time, so you can’t really prepare them too well.  But let’s say they watch Bambi or whatever, the questions are gonna come up, so just be honest.

Yes, that’s a great idea and very logical.  I think you have a great point 99 Luftbaloons because that’s an excellent way to begin the conversation with them.  The whole thing, for me anyway, is not to present it in a scary way, but obviously, in a truthful way.  See, but I guess it depends on the child; you may really have to take into account the child’s personality, right?

Yeah, I guess some kids may not even be smart enough to know what you’re talking about, whereas others may freak out and throw a fit, lol.  When it gets right down to it, you’re right, they’ll probably deal with it in their own way depending on their personality; so you just have to be there and be supportive and protective or whatever.

Yep, I think personality plays a big role in how each responds to the topic of death.  But I still think your first suggestion was a good one.

Who knows if any kid can understand death; maybe it’s too complex for any of them.

We haven’t had anyone in our family die since my son was born 5 years ago, so I just waited until he started asking questions. We recently had close friends lose their infant and we visited her grave. My son spent a lot of time decorating the grave and he even made a snow angel. He couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks and remembers it as a positive experience.

Holly, that’s wonderful that he had such a positive experience- I’m sure it’s something that he’ll remember for a long time, and then when has to deal with it directly, he can always remember that he participated in a meaningful way.  That’s a good tip!

It is complex, but I think the age of the child has a lot to do with it. And I think that’s supposed to be how you go about talking to them, like, letting the age direct the appropriate level of conversation that you are supposed to have with them; either way, I’m sure it’s tough.

We are in a unique situation where my daughter has known about death since she was very little. We are also religious, so she knows her sister died before she was born and now she’s an angel in heaven. When K was in preschool, her music teacher died in a car accident.  She was very sad and of course, we left out some of the details.. but i agree about being honest with your kids.

I think that it’s good that she knew about it because exposure, even though it can be incredibly difficult, helps one deal with death later on in life- at least it’s not such a shock.  Plus, the fact that she had a religious context must have helped tremendously.

Yes, it has helped tremendously… We still talk about death in our house like it’s a normal occurrence (well, because it is!).. She has elderly grandmothers and has asked why she doesn’t have any grandpas on Earth. She’s a bright one to really understand it, however, my 4-year-old son doesn’t have a clue yet.

It’s very heartening to hear that the topic is discussed in your household.  I’ve known many people who say that they never discussed death growing up and I think that it makes it that much harder for them to understand it when they get older.  Of course, it’s a very difficult topic that no one really enjoys contemplating, but I think it helps a lot when you begin to understand it when you’re young.

I wonder why some folks don’t discuss it?  Hmm, it must be because it makes you think about the fact that we’re all going to die.  Perhaps it’s just too close to home for some (which is perfectly understandable!).

There was an article on CNN.com yesterday about how people handle, specifically when dealing with a fatal illness. The experts discussed how most people don’t like to talk about death at all because it’s too emotional and they don’t really want to confront it. But it also said that many people in hospice handle it well and come to terms with it. I think one of the things that makes it such a scary topic is how unknown it is. Perhaps knowing that death is approaching gives people some additional closure and acceptance.

Yes, Holly, I think you may be right.  If one’s unfamiliar with something, it’s more likely that you’ll be unable to deal with it- given time, however, you may respond to it more readily.  I think the main thing that’s going on is that it’s just not discussed, but I’m not sure who is supposed to do the discussing.  Yes, ideally, it should be the parents, but if now them, then what, the schools?  We’ve already seen that line of thinking rear its head with other sensitive topics, so, I guess, now what?

I am uncomfortable talking about death (probably because I fear it), but my kids ask a lot of questions about it, so I’m forced to discuss it against my will! We are also religious and believe in God, Heaven, and Hell, so our discussions of death center around that. We discuss death as a continuation of life, but in a different form. My kids see death **almost** as a positive thing! They’ll say things like, “In Heaven, I won’t be deaf” or “I won’t need hearing aids or have allergies in Heaven.” Of course, they’ve never confronted death on a personal level, so all this could change, but I think it’s a good starting point.