More about talking to children about death

I didn’t think this quite fit on the other thread about talking to children about death… Mykids go to a small private school and the kindergarten teacher’s husband (whom we met as he would be a regular storyteller in the classroom) died this week from liver cancer. I told my daughter and she was so concerned w/ how her former teacher was doing. I know the family’s son well too as he has been my son’s swim coach for over a year. Anyway, I suggested to my daughter (she’s 7) to write a letter to Mrs. M. to cheer her up.. and she is very excited about doing that. She doesn’t want her former teacher to be sad. I think having children express their sadness/grief in their own sympathy card/picture/letter is healing. BTW. I decided she is not going to the funeral/memorial at school on Friday. IMO, that might be too much for her to comprehend.

Hi Mary Beth, I think that a card/letter is a great idea. You said your daughter is 7, right?  That’s just about the age (psychologically and legally speaking) when kids begin to think in more abstract terms, and begin to understand the concept of death.  I think letting her express is a very healing and smart thing on your part in letting her do. She can draw it out, color, write; all very helpful.

Did she express any interest in going to the funeral?

My Sister-In-Law passed away over 8 years ago.  She has two little girls who were at that time 5 & 7.  The year after she passed we started to get involved in Relay For Life.  I am so excited because this year we are bringing it to the schools.  We are going to have Purple Ribbon Week, which will help the kids learn about Relay For Life.  We are going to have them draw a picture on ways to prevent cancer and stay healthy.  We are also going to have them write a paragraph on what hope means to them.  We are going to have a luminaria table at recess for the kids to color luminarias, and we are going to hand out hope medallions.  We are going to end with the whole school wearing purple on Friday and the City will be having a mini relay that night.  We are also going to add Locks For Love one day after school.  I really hope this helps the children to talk about loved ones that have passed.  I am sure reading the paragraphs will be an eye opening experience for me.

Jackie… She did not express interest in going, but I gave her teacher and extra hug “just from K.”... I know she will smile when she reads K’s letter and pictures. The service was beautiful and very simple..More than 200 people were there… many of them school folk who know the whole family. Unfortunately, my daughter knows a lot about death.. in preschool, one of her teachers died and her preschool class sang at the memorial service (it was so sweet!!)... her sister died before she was born, but knows all about her….

Christine, I’m sure those letters will be hard to read, but very healing for the children to write…

Mary Beth - 08 August 2009 07:09 PM

Jackie… She did not express interest in going, but I gave her teacher and extra hug “just from K.”... I know she will smile when she reads K’s letter and pictures. The service was beautiful and very simple..More than 200 people were there… many of them school folk who know the whole family. Unfortunately, my daughter knows a lot about death.. in preschool, one of her teachers died and her preschool class sang at the memorial service (it was so sweet!!)... her sister died before she was born, but knows all about her….

Christine, I’m sure those letters will be hard to read, but very healing for the children to write…

Hi Mary Beth,

I am sorry for all your losses.  I think it is so hard for kids to really understand how someone can be here one moment and gone the next.  I am glad the service was nice.

I just received an email from our principal concerned on how we present Purple Ribbon Week to the children.  She said that some parents may be concerned about the possible fear it might cause some children who have lost a loved one to cancer. Relay For Life has helped my family so much.  I do, however, know some people who have lost loved ones to cancer and do not even want to think about it or talk about it.  I was thinking we might need to send something to the parents ahead of time to get their feedback.  We will see what happens.

Christine

Hi Mary Beth and Christine, Mary Beth, I think that you did the right thing by taking your cues from your daughter, and I’m glad that the ceremony was a nice one. It’s sad that she had to know so much about death so early, but it may actually help her later in life.

Christine, I’m sorry to hear that the principle is concerned about the Purple Ribbon Week, although, I can understand (somewhat) the fears of some of the other parents.  What are the ages of the children that would be participating, at the school, in the weeklong event?

Jacqueline - 09 August 2009 06:25 PM

Hi Mary Beth and Christine, Mary Beth, I think that you did the right thing by taking your cues from your daughter, and I’m glad that the ceremony was a nice one. It’s sad that she had to know so much about death so early, but it may actually help her later in life.

Christine, I’m sorry to hear that the principle is concerned about the Purple Ribbon Week, although, I can understand (somewhat) the fears of some of the other parents.  What are the ages of the children that would be participating, at the school, in the weeklong event?

This would be for the elementary schools.  We are thinking of toning it down to ways to stay healthy, and the importance of wearing sun screen.  I am also thinking we could send something to the parents ahead of time to get their feedback.  Any suggestions would be appreiciated.

It looks like we are going to call it “Show us your Relay Spirit” and we are going to ask them to paint a picture and write a paragraph about a healthy lifestyle.  For example, we will ask questionss like, “Are you eating your vegitables and fruits?”, “Are you exercising?” and “Do you wear sunscreen?”.  We are going to keep it light.

Hi Christine, I think that is a good way to go. It sends a good message, gets the children involved, and still manages to keep the spirit of the event in mind. I think that doing this is best because this way, you won’t ruffle any feathers.

I also think that you are doing a great service. We always hear that the kids need to be more healthy and this is a fantastic and fun way to get that point across. I really can’t believe that anyone would be against that.

I think parents and schools too often shielf their children from the idea of death but I can also understand the concern that comes from not knowing what will be presented to the kids. My husband recently beat cancer and our son knows all about it and has been involved in Relay events, but it would be a concern for me if he was going to learn about the statistics involved with cancer. I wouldn’t want him to misinterpret stories about people who died from cancer and project that on his dad.

But, I think focusing on healthy lifestyle is a great idea. It makes kids more responsible about their well-being.

HollySwanson - 21 August 2009 10:41 AM

I think parents and schools too often shielf their children from the idea of death but I can also understand the concern that comes from not knowing what will be presented to the kids. My husband recently beat cancer and our son knows all about it and has been involved in Relay events, but it would be a concern for me if he was going to learn about the statistics involved with cancer. I wouldn’t want him to misinterpret stories about people who died from cancer and project that on his dad.

But, I think focusing on healthy lifestyle is a great idea. It makes kids more responsible about their well-being.

Hi Holly,

You just gave me goosebumps.  Congratulations on your husband beating cancer.  I am so happy for all of you.  I am also glad to hear that you participate in Relay events.  I know for me it is such a healing event.

Thanks for your input on introducing cancer to children.  I think focusing on how to stay healthy is going to work out real well.  I am looking forward to reading the stories.

Thanks and congratulations again.

Christine

Holly, I’m so sorry to hear that your husband had cancer, and I’m so very happy to hear that he was able to beat it. This must have been so stressful for all of you; how are all of you doing? 

I’m glad that your son knows about it and I’m sure you gave him the information that he needed to know. Thanks for sharing that with us here Holly, and I’ll be wishing you lots of good luck!

Thanks for your support and happy thoughts! My husband had a very rare sarcoma that was the size of a baseball when it was removed. Luckily, it didn’t spread and he’s now two years cancer free.

My son, incidentally, has a major heart defect so we’ve been around hospitals way too much. Because of my son’s heart, I do tend to shield him from stories about death, especially if it relates to a person having a heart attack. He was actually talking about Billy Mays the other day (I was using Mighty Putty) and I told him about Mays’ death. My son said “But he didn’t look very old.” Made me realize we need to have a talk about how young people can die too.

Holly, I am so sorry about your son’s heart defect. I do know a few people who have small heart defects, but none with a major defect. Did you find out when he was born, or years later?

On a more personal level, you must be very strong; I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to deal with both of these things (your son and husband’s health). No matter how strong a person is, it’s got to be difficult to deal with. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story though because it can help others (you never know what you’re going to have to deal with in life). I’m just so happy for you that the best possible outcomes that could have happened did- everyone is healthy. That’s a real blessing.

How old is your son now?

Hi Holly,

I am sorry to hear about your son.  Is there anything that can be done to help his heart?  What a strong boy he must be and an amazing Mom you must be.

My husband also had cancer.  He had kidney cancer and like your husband it was encapsulated and it was the size of a small basketball.  They took it out along with his kidney and he has been cancer free for over 5 years.  The hardest part for me was watching them wheel him away into surgery and not really knowing if he would come back.  Thankfully he did and he is doing great.  I am very glad your husband’s surgery went well too.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Christine

Christine, I’m sorry that you had to go through a similar experience. I can’t imagine how scary it must have felt for you as well. I’m so very happy that in your husband’s case things worked out well. I know that they say that dealing with painful experiences makes us stronger, but I just wish that none of us had to go through things like this. I appreciated reading both yours and Holly’s story. I think both of you must be very strong.