What to Say to a Dying Person

Many people have difficulty knowing what to say to a dying person. They aren't sure if they should avoid the subject of death, or encourage the person to talk about it. They feel it would be rude to ask questions, and so they don't know what to talk about. They may leave the dying person feeling ignored by engaging in meaningless small talk, or make the person feel uncomfortable by persistently dwelling on death. It isn't always easy to know what to say to a dying person, but there are some principles that are helpful to remember.

One of the most loving things to do for a dying person is to simply listen. Most people say, “how are you,” but simply keep talking after the person tosses out the obligatory, “fine.” Slow down, sit down, and really listen to what the dying person has to say. Some people want to share important memories at the end of their lives, and may feel comforted when someone stops to listen to a favorite story from his or her childhood. Others may have worries and anxieties they want to share, but have not had anyone willing to sit still and really hear these thoughts and feelings. Listen without passing judgment, and only offer support and affirmation.

Sometimes a dying person will want to discuss death or the dying process. This can be very uncomfortable for close friends and family members to hear or discuss, but it is especially important that the dying person gets to voice his or her concerns and questions. No friend or family member should feel like they have to have all the answers, but it isn't fair to change the subject every time the dying person brings it up. He or she may feel the need to talk about funeral plans, organ donation, or making a will. Not everyone has to talk with the dying person about death and dying, but he or she should always have someone available who is comfortable with the subject.

Sometimes when a person is close to death, he or she will begin to see and hear things that aren't audible or visible to anyone else. If the dying person is agitated by these things, it makes sense to try to re-orient the person to his or her actual surroundings. However, if the dying person is comfortable with the things he or she is seeing, it is usually kinder not to argue with the person about the reality of what he or she is seeing. Some people see relatives who have passed away, some see angels, and some dying people hear music. Still others may see and hear things that are unpleasant or frightening. Hallucinations are a normal part of the dying process, and family members should not be anxious when they occur.

One of the most difficult situations can happen when someone suddenly finds out that an acquaintance is dying. This is a very personal disclosure, and without a close relationship to support it, the conversation can become very awkward. It's always appropriate to say, “I'm so sorry to hear that.” The dying person may end the conversation there or change the subject, or he or she may choose to share more details of the situation. The most compassionate thing to do is listen, and a sincere offer of help in the form of meals or assistance with everyday tasks such as shopping or housekeeping is always appropriate. If the dying person refuses help, that's OK as well. Let the dying person know you are thinking of him or her, and that your offer of help is open as long as its needed. Do not offer help if you don't want to help, don't have time, or know you will refuse when asked.

The most important thing to remember when talking with someone who is dying is to speak from the heart. Be sincere, compassionate, and willing to listen. Don't let discomfort with death affect the ability to support a friend or family member who is dying, and remember to offer help and sympathies to even more casual acquaintances who are dying. A kind word and a listening ear can support and encourage a dying person during the end of his or her life better than any bouquet of flowers or sappy card.

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