Parent Dying

We all know that we will have to deal with the reality of a parent dying at some point in our lives. How we cope before and after the fact will depend on whether the death was to be expected (as the result of a chronic condition or terminal illness) or occurred suddenly. Children and adults tend to view these situations differently as well.

Losing a parent is very difficult, no matter how old we are.

If a parent has been diagnosed with a terminal illness or lives with a life-threatening condition, their children should be told the truth about the prognosis. Whereas some people feel that children should not be told that a parent is dying, this will only lead to more emotional pain after the fact. Children should be able to prepare themselves as best they can for what is going to happen. In the case of a sudden event, all the members of the family will have to deal with the shock of what has happened together.

They may feel responsible, as though the did something to cause the parent's death. Even though this doesn't make sense to us as adults, young children feel that the world revolves around them. They may think back to a time when they said something hurtful to the parent and think that their words or thoughts caused the parent's death. Reassure them that this is not the case, and that no one did anything to make these events happen.

Allow them to express how they feel, and share your own feelings as well. Reassure them that they will be looked after, no matter what happens. If you are the surviving spouse, it may be tempting to share your worries about finances or other adult matters. Please find someone else to talk to about these issues; children think they should be responsible for finding solutions to these problems, and they have enough to deal with when a parent dies without adding any extra worries into the mix. If you decide to speak with another adult, make sure your children are elsewhere. You may think your conversation is confidential, but children are curious and may be listening in when you are not aware of the fact.

A parent dying brings the idea of our own death to the foreground. We all know it's going to happen eventually, but still we don't really want to face it. Once our parents have died, then we know that our generation will be next.

A parent dying may stir up all kinds of feelings, depending on the type of relationship we had with them. If we were close to them and consulted them before making major decisions or purchases, we miss being able to ask them for advice. If the relationship with our parents was a difficult one, once they have passed away so has our chance to repair the relationship.

After the death of a parent, children will grieve their loss for some time. They may:

• Cry
• Experience a loss of energy
• Find it hard to concentrate
• Have headaches and/or stomachaches
• Feel numb
• Feel guilty, fearful, sad, guilty or lonely

There is no set time for grieving. This is one of those things that takes time. Some people seem to get past the more intense feelings that accompany grief in a relatively-short period of time, but for others, it is a more lengthy process.

It would be unrealistic to expect that each day after a parent dying will be better than the previous one. The change is gradual. Some people find that keeping a journal describing their feelings is helpful as they go through the grieving process. It is entirely possible to still consider oneself in mourning several years after the event has occurred..

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• Main Page
• Explaining Death and Dying to a Youth
• Social Security Death Benefits for Minors