Male Grieving the Loss of an Infant

Although it is not as noticeable on the outside, any male grieving the loss of an infant really is torn up inside. He just does not always feel the need to publicly show his grief.

When a woman loses her baby, whether it is through stillbirth, miscarriage or some other type of infant loss, she is more than grief-stricken. She is devastated that the child she carried inside her womb is no longer alive. The female, for the most part, is weak, vulnerable and at times unable to function normally. These emotions occur in the early days and weeks after the infant's death. The feelings can be short-lived, or may last a lifetime for some.

Men, on the other hand, need to be strong. The man tries to hold the mother together during her deepest and darkest hours. When she can't get out of bed in the morning to eat breakfast, he brings it to her. He is the one who helps with funeral arrangements when the female is too distraught. He is the one who tells her it will get better. The father is also the target of the mother's grief: He listens to her cry, scream and yell about her loss.

However, it is when he is alone that a male grieving the loss of an infant will show his true emotions. He will sob, scream, yell, and even throw things as a means of bringing the anger and hurt to the surface. Since most men are not big talkers when it comes to sharing emotions, he will use other venues as a way to cope with his child's death.

Those ways include:

• Throwing himself into his work
• Playing a physical sport to work off excess energy
• Taking up another hobby, such as golf or video games, as means of escaping the realms of reality
• Working on a project at home, such as remodeling, as a way of filling the void in life
• Avoiding all contact with the child's mother, whether or not she is his spouse
• Or the opposite: Spending all of his time at home doting on her

If your friend or loved one recently lost a baby, there are several things you can do to help him cope with the death:

• Be supportive: He may need you to help him with funeral arrangements including driving him to the funeral home, picking out a casket or selecting flowers.
• Don't judge: If your loved one refuses to talk about the child's death, don't force him or judge him. He may not be ready to talk, bringing it up may only agitate him or make him sad.
• Listen: When he is ready to start talking, be there to listen. Tell him how sorry you are for his loss. Do not throw clichés at him, because he does not want to hear them. He only wants his child's mother to be happy again and to have his baby alive.
• Help him with simple tasks: If his lawn needs mowing or groceries purchased, then step in and do those things without his asking. If there are siblings around, then offer to take them to the movies or the park to give the parents some well-needed rest.
• Offer financial support: Many times, an unexpected death of an infant can create a huge financial burden. If you are able, loan some money to the family to help pay for the funeral or medical bills. If you are unable to give money, then help set-up a fund-raiser or collection to assist with these needs.

There are not many websites that address a man's grief when his child dies, but the few that are available do have some good information.

• MenWeb: A Man's Grief
• Web Healing
• The Compassionate Friends: Men and Grief
• Men and Women in Grief

You can find more specific information in one of these books:

• Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn by Kenneth J. Doka
• Into the Cave: When Men Grieve by Dr. Ronald G. Petrie
• When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can Help by Elizabeth Levang
• Helping Men to Grieve by Ananias Kumbuyo Nyanjaya

Not all men prefer solitude. Some can honestly and openly show true emotions when a baby son or daughter passes away. However, many times you will see a man standing stoic or emotionless while his female counterpart is reduced to tears. Just understand that a male grieving the loss of an infant really is sad and distraught, but is not as public with his feelings and emotions as a woman is.

• Dying Celebrities
• Books on Grief for a Stillborn Child
• Children's Books About Death

• Free Funeral Program Template
• Sample Funeral Program
• Poems Related to Grief
• Bereavement Poems by Unknown Authors
• Poem about Death of a Dog

• Father's Role in Loss of a Child
• Category:Coping With Grief
• Grieving the Loss of a Child
• Facts on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome