Kubler Ross Stages of Grief

About Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926-2004) is a world-renown psychiatrist and author whose 1969 groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying, helped changed society's view about tragedy and grief. Known as the Kübler-Ross model, she originally designed these stages to describe any catastrophic event in a person's life, such as a job loss, divorce, illness or death. Today, they are normally associated with dying.

These steps are not always taken in exact order, nor will each person go through each step. Nonetheless, Kübler-Ross stated that every person who deals with tragedy such as a death will go through at least two of the stages.

The Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief

The Kübler-Ross stages of grief have been explored by other psychiatrists and professionals over the years. Some feel that five stages are enough to describe how individuals grieve, while others have expanded on Kübler-Ross' model to include up to at least five more stages. The following are the stages of grief as they pertain to death and dying.

Denial

When a loved one dies, those closest to the deceased may often deny the fact that the person is really gone by saying, "It can't be happening." This is known as the initial stage of the grieving cycle. While there is no exact period of time a person will stay in this stage, this defense mechanism is used when the pain of accepting a person's death is too great to face. There are many types of denial including:

• Denial of fact: Person avoids the facts regarding the death, so they turn to lying. This includes lying by omission or by greatly exaggerating the facts of the situation to lessen the personal pain.
• Denial of responsibility: An individual using this form of denial avoids all aspects of personal responsibility by justifying, minimizing or blaming. The goal is to shift the attention away from himself or herself.
• Denial of denial: This self-delusional form of denial involves actions and behaviors that mask the real grief the person is feeling. These behaviors also allow others to see that everything is fine, when in reality, they aren't.

Anger

Claiming that death shouldn't have happened or that it wasn't fair, persons in this stage try to hold someone responsible for the event., whether or not anyone is responsible. Their anger is directed toward:

• God
• The person who died
• Friends
• Family members
• Oneself

Anger during this time does not have to be logical or valid. One may be angry for living while someone else died or at for not being able to do anything to stop the loved one from dying. Either way, Kübler-Ross states that "anger surfaces once you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes." Anger is a necessary part of grieving and once you really get through the anger, you will begin to really heal.

Bargaining

This style of negotiation is often done when another person is on the brink of death. The survivor will often try and "negotiate" with God or even a doctor as a way of trying to save that person's life. Many people in this stage are desperate and should not be given any type of false hope. The best thing to do is state the obvious, which in turn may lead that person into the next stage, depression.

Depression

Once the news of death really begins to sink in, the affected person may fall into a pit of depression. At this point, the individual may be so sad that nothing else around him or her matters. Symptoms of a depressed person include:

• Intense feelings of guilt not associated to grief
• Preoccupation with dying
• Suicidal thoughts
• Slow movements and speech
• Tendencies to stay in bed all day
• Inability to function at work or in social situations
• Hallucinations of the deceased person
• Inability to complete normal, day-to-day tasks

Not everyone who is going through the grief cycle will become depressed. Studies show that some bereaved persons are at a higher risk for depression if they:

• Have little support
• History of depression
• Never really experienced death before

There are many treatments for depression. Your best bet would be to contact your physician to find out which treatment is suitable for you.

Acceptance

It may take some time, but most people going through the bereavement process will learn to accept the death. That doesn't mean that the individual is fine with what has happened or that life will be back to normal. Life will never be the same, but each person in this stage can learn to live a "new normal" life. The anger with God (or anyone else) may be gone and the real healing begins. Signs of acceptance include:

• Re-establishing or creating new friendships
• Taking on more personal and business responsibility
• Reaching out to others and becoming involved in their lives

A Final Thought

Remember, the grieving process can take years to go through, so don't expect anyone who is going through the Kübler-Ross stages of grief to get through them quickly. Each person is different and each one has to learn how to live a new life without their loved one. For some, this can take a lifetime to understand.