Grieving a Spouse

Typical Emotions When Grieving a Spouse

When your beloved spouse dies, your emotions may feel like you are on a roller coaster. Some of your feelings may include:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Listlessness
• Discouragement
• Guilt
• Depression
• Shock
• Denial
• Confusion

Manner of Death

If your spouse died after a prolonged illness, there may be some relief that he or she is no longer suffering. After a while, you may feel remorse or guilt that you feel this way. Know that these emotions are nothing to be ashamed of and are normal. If your spouse experienced a sudden death, there might be great feelings of shock. You may go through your days disbelieving that she is no longer with you. If the death was violent or an act of crime, your anger may loom large. If suicide was the cause, there may be thousands of questions and deep guilt and uncertainty.

Regardless of how your spouse died, you will find yourself yearning for and missing him or her.

A Word of Caution

If a friend or family member is able to stand with you, provide a shoulder to cry on and even join you in your tears, you have a valuable gift. Many in our society cannot handle someone else's grief. Due to this, they say platitudes that offer virtually no comfort. Be prepared for these empty lines that usually do nothing to help you with your sorrow. You might find the following said to you:

• "He's/She's in a better place."
• "I know just how you feel."
• "I lost my pet dog last year. I know this is hard for you."
• "You'll meet someone new soon."
• "Your spouse wouldn't want you to be sad."
• "Come on, get back to your old self again."
• "You need to move on with your life."
• "Your children don't need you to be sad."

Helpful Advice

As you are grieving a spouse, remember to take care of yourself. Try to get enough sleep. Eat healthy meals. Your immune system will be low, and therefore you are more susceptible to sickness. Immediately after the funeral, you may be busy with writing thank you notes and taking care of legal matters related to the death. There will be his or her possessions to have to make decisions about. Even as you stay busy, you will feel waves of pain and sadness come upon you. Know that this is a natural reaction to the death of a loved one.

Getting Through Each Day

There will be many sad days ahead, especially as you go through holidays without your loved one. Surround yourself with friends and family members who will let you freely grieve the death and not judge you for your emotions. If you have young children at home, you may need to let friends and family take them out for an activity so that you can have ample time alone to process your grief. It can be exhausting having to continually deal with your children's concerns and tears over the death of their mother or father. Seek out some books that deal with death and grieving. Get some for yourself as well. Join a support group or seek the help of a professional should you need to. Try to do something you enjoy every day or take up a new hobby or sport. Be gentle with yourself because now is not the time to be tough or demanding of yourself.

Remember the Good Times

Take time to reflect on your spouse's life and to be grateful for the years you had together. Before long you will be able to smile about the good times the two of you experienced. Others have walked this path and managed to get through the rocky terrain. You can, too.

Further Reading

• Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Husband or Wife Dies by Alan Wolfelt