Father's Role in Loss of a Child

What is a father's role in loss of a child? When a child dies, parents are devastated. However, society often places its focus on the mother of the child and tries to meet her needs.

Fathers are in pain, too. Losing a child is shocking to any parent. While men are to be strong, inside they experience anguish; they may not show it on the outside. Many cultures expect men to be brave like warriors. Fathers experience many emotions when a child dies, including:

• Shock
• Anger
• Sorrow
• Disbelief
• Anguish
• Denial

Generally, women, as a whole, talk about their feelings more than men. However, just because a man might be silent and unwilling to share his feelings openly after the death of a child, it does not mean he is not grieving. Men often revert to physical activities when grappling with a problem. A father of a child might go out and mow the grass, run a few miles, work out at a gym, ride a bike, or do some other strenuous activity.

Just because a man might not show his tears, do not think he does not cry. Chances are, he is shedding tears in the privacy of his bedroom, office or in the car when driving alone.

Fathers need a lot of support following the death of a child. They may not be as bothered by mothers at some of the cliches given by well-meaning folks who do not know what to say at the time of a son or daughter's untimely death. This is because they might be able to brush off these comments easier than women can.

Society often neglects to care for the grieving man. This is particularly true if a baby dies, or if a baby is stillborn. Grieving an unborn baby holds different implications for mother and father. The mother has had time to bond with the fetus growing in her womb, whereas the father has been waiting to actually get to bond once the infant is born. When a baby dies, fathers are crushed emotionally, but often not given as much attention as the mother since she was carrying the child.

Fathers have needs and to know that they are cared for when a child dies. Sympathy cards sent need to be addressed to them as well. Clergy and hospital staff can help by acknowledging their pain. Co-workers can reach out by listening or showing concern. No one should be expected to be strong all the time. Fathers need room to suffer grief.

If you know someone who has lost a child, or if you are a father who has lost a child, take time to get some help. There ,Some sites offer chat rooms or forums where fathers can post their questions pertaining to the death or to their feelings. Some of the sites with help for men include:

• The Compassionate Friends
• Bereaved Parents USA
• Grief, Loss and Recovery
• Grief Net
• Belief Net
• MISS Foundation

At times the best comfort comes from reading the words penned by others in your same shoes. Reading books by men (and women) about losing a child can help one feel he is not alone with his roller coaster of feelings. These books can be found at Amazon.com or at a local library or bookstore.

• When a Man Faces Grief/A Man You Know Is Grieving by James E. Miller
• A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
• The Grieving Garden: Living with the Death of a Child by Suzanne Redfern and Susan K. Gilbert
• How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese A. Rando

Hopefully, society will be more accommodating and accepting of a father's role in loss of a child. By allowing men to grieve, healing can take place.

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• Books on Grief for a Stillborn Child
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