Explaining Death and Dying to a Youth

Explaining death and dying to a youth is not always an easy thing considering many adults are uncomfortable with this topic as well. Since it is something that happens to all of us, it's important that young people are exposed to it -- and understand it -- as they are growing up.

Children should be encouraged to ask questions about death and dying.

Death as Part of Life

In North American society today, many people tend to avoid talking about death. Instead of calling it what it is, they use expressions such "passed away," "passed on" or say that someone "left us." Pets are "put down" or "put to sleep." After someone you care about dies, many people feel they need to move on with life as usual as soon as possible, and that grief is something to be kept hidden from view.

A better approach is to discuss the topic with your children when it comes up. Explain to young children that all living things will someday die, and what happens after death can be influenced by religious beliefs and upbringing.

This is not the type of topic where the discussion takes place once and then you are finished, since the young person's understanding of death will grow and change as they mature. Instead, explaining death and dying to a youth is something that needs to be revisited as the child grows up.

Tips for Explaining Death and Dying to a Youth

Infants and Toddlers

At this stage, children are not able to understand death. They do notice changes in their routine, and may respond to upheaval in the household by having trouble sleeping or not wanting to eat.

If a death in the family has occurred, try to keep the little ones on their usual routines. Enlist the help of friends or other family members to help, if necessary.

Preschoolers

At this age, children may have difficulty understanding that death is permanent. Do not tell them that the person who has died is sleeping or resting, since this may make the child afraid to go to bed at night. They may have nightmares following the death of a loved one or ask if the person who was recently buried is cold.

The child may also feel insecure and need extra reassurance that the parent is nearby. If they ask whether the parent will die someday, be honest in your response. You may need to repeat this conversation several times. If the child wants to draw a picture or act out part of the events surrounding the funeral, let them do so. It helps them to come to terms with what has happened.

School-aged Children

From about the age of six, children may go through an entire gamut of emotions when thinking or dealing with death. They may feel:

• Fear
• Anger (toward the person who has died)
• Responsible for the death
• Sadness
• Confused

The child may wonder if he or she did something to cause a person's death. Reassure them that death is not a punishment for "bad" thoughts or deeds. They may need to hear this information several times before accepting it.

Approach the child from time to time and ask them open-ended questions about how they are handling the situation. Keep it simple; something like "I know you must really miss [name of the person who passed away] and I do too. How are you doing?" Then wait for a response. If the child says that he or she is doing fine, tell them that if they feel that they have a time where they don't feel they are doing OK, that you are available to listen if they want to talk.

Teenagers

By the time the teen years come, young people can appreciate that death is permanent. They experience the same signs of grief as adults do. They may feel responsible for the death or feel that they need to take on adult concerns, such as financial responsibilities for the family.

Teens need opportunities to express their feelings. Let them know that it's OK to grieve and that the process will take some time. They will have days where they feel that they are doing well in coping with their grief and then something may happen to snap them back into sadness again. Reassure them that the day will eventually come when they can think about their loved one without emotional pain.

Talking about death may be difficult, but you owe it to your children to be honest about this topic, since they will have to deal with it at different times in their lives.

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